Some people view the whole dating scene as just casual fun. Not me. I take it very seriously. And when I take that special lady out, I pull out all the stops. For example, I want to smell good, so no cheap dollar store cologne for me. Oh no. I’m so dedicated that I leave for the date thirty minutes early. This gives me time to go to the nearest department store and spray on some of the most expensive and exclusive cologne available. If I’m feeling saucy, I might spray a different one on each side of my neck. I know what you’re thinking: that’s crazy! No, my friend, that’s dedication and it’s what sets me apart from the wannabes.

If my lady likes flowers, well, I can handle that, too. There’s always a cemetery nearby. It’s like a flower buffet, and I’m going back for thirds.

The movie theater is always a popular destination for the dating connoisseur. And like every aspect of my life, only the best will do. That’s why I always fake a heart attack or something equally as life threatening to distract the attendant. While I’m writhing around on the floor, my lady friend sneaks through the door. Once the coast is clear, I suddenly “realize” that it’s not a heart attack. It’s just indigestion coupled with my emotionally overwhelming concern for the dwindling dodo bird population. I pay for one ticket—my own—and head into the theater. I then use that extra ticket money to buy a small drink for my date. Often, we’ll find some popcorn spilled on the counter. I’ll rake that off into my coat pocket, ignoring the potential grease stains, and I do all of this for her.

I almost forgot. Before the theater experience, I usually take my love to a fancy restaurant. Never to be outdone for any potential suitors who may have brought her to that particular eatery before, I go all out and offer to super size her combo. That includes a biggie fry and everything!

Like I said, I’m a swinging a bachelor and I always leave the ladies wanting more.

Funny Text design with colors and styles inspired by fast food franchises:  When I take a date to a fancy restaurant I always offer to super size her combo. I’m just classy like that.

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Super Size It! 2008 Calendar