I can see how this wouldn’t be a problem for most regular guys, but when you’re a ladies’ man like me it can get tiresome after awhile.

I’ll be at the grocery store, minding my own business, trying to find the Cheetos, and some hot girl walks up to me and wants me to give her a hicky or something similarly super sexy. Ok, that’s a lie. Most of the time, it’s more than one hot chick. It’s usually like an entire cheerleading squad or something. Hello, ladies, I don’t have the time or the suction power to give each of you hickies, so just let me get my Cheetos. Is that so much to ask? Can’t a dude—even an awesome dude like myself—buy his snack foods in peace without being expected to perform?

Just last week I was buying my comic books and this gorgeous hottie walks up to me and wants me to French kiss her. That’s ridiculous! Her husband was standing right beside her! I guess I shouldn’t have worn such a tight t-shirt that so prominently displayed my perfectly proportioned two pack abs. And if that’s not bad enough, a runway model was there (buying runway model type comic books), overheard the conversation, and got jealous because she thought it was Awesome Guy Giving Out French Kisses Day and no one had told her. She just loses it, and the two chicks start cat fighting right there in the comic book store in front of all the geeks—that doesn’t include me, for reasons already stated. I’ve got a heart of gold—sorry for the boasting, but it’s the truth—so after the runway model won the catfight—she knew kung fu—I decided to make out with her while the cash register dude rang up my comics. I didn’t want to because I had already made out with several girls that day, but I did because I care. Wait, reminiscing on my good deed made me misty-eyed for a moment. OK, all better.

Now, I’ll be honest. I can’t really blame girls for wanting to get busy with me. Just this morning I got of the shower and saw myself in the mirror. Before I even knew what I was doing, I was kissing the mirror, with spit and everything. Gross! I was really ashamed of myself for giving in to myself so easily. I felt cheap. Next time I’ll make myself make me lunch or something first.

If you’re like me, then this funny design is for you. If you're not like me, consider yourself fortunate.

Retro, vintage, distressed crimson text: I really wish girls would stop trying to make out with me all the time.

No Making Out T-shirts and Gifts