Hobbies. Everybody has them. They serve as an escape route—and maybe even a safety valve—from the doldrums of everyday life. They relieve stress, helping us find our centers whenever our spirits get lost. Some people like to collect stamps. Others collect comic books. A few people even collect toenail clippings, but that’s just weird, and we don’t want to be around those people because everyone knows fingernail clippings are far cooler.

Many people play sports. Me, I don’t do sports. Until they perfect a way for to pass a football or go for a three pointer from the comfort of my couch, I’m not having it. No, my favorite pastime requires a bit more grey matter, a considerable amount of practice, and whole lot of finesse. It’s what I call the Innuendo Entertainment System. Not to be confused with an 80’s video game system, the IES doesn’t involve jumping over evil mushrooms or hurling barrels at PMSing gorillas. The Innuendo Entertainment System is a specialized method of flirting. Consider it Flirting 2.0.

IES takes flirting to the next level. When discussing the IES, I’ll be speaking from a guy’s standpoint. I don’t have a uterus—at least I don’t think I do—so all of my IES history and anecdotal evidence comes from a male perspective.

In prehistoric times, a guy walked up to a woman, bonked her in the head with a club, and dragged her off to be his mate. That was what they had for flirting back then. That doesn’t sound like a whole lot of fun for anybody. I’m glad we kicked prehistoric man to the curb.

Back in the 50’s, a guy bought a girl a soda pop and said “Ah gee whiz” and goofy crap like that while combing his hair with bacon grease. Eventually, he’d get all weird feeling from being around the girl, so he’d run home to eat a four course dinner with his perfect family. He did all this in black and white because they didn’t have color back in the 50’s. It had something to do with bobby socks and Cuba. I know, it’s weird.

We’ve matured as a species, and nowadays we have a more refined method of flirting, hence the Innuendo Entertainment System. The IES works by using euphemisms and innuendo to talk about making out, gettin’ busy, and other sexy stuff like that. You can’t just come out and talk about that kind of stuff directly. It’ll be make you look like a creepy pervert. And nobody likes creepy perverts. You’ll never get a girl that way.

No, you have to be smooth about it. Let’s say Timmy and Mary Sue are out on a date. Let’s listen in:

Timmy: “Hey, Mary Sue, you’re all that and a bag of doughnuts. By the way, I signed up for an account at salivabartering.com because I like swapping spit. What do you think of that?”

Now, if Mary Sue is digging Timmy and doesn’t mind the big zit on his forehead, she might respond appropriately.

Mary Sue: “Hey, Timmy, I like swapping spit, too. I’m going to sign up on the site tomorrow!”

And then Timmy and Mary Sue make out and stuff. You go, Timmy!

See, that’s playing the Innuendo Entertainment System. And Timmy just got a high score. What Timmy doesn’t know is that Mary Sue is a charter member of salivabartering.com, and she just gave Timmy mono. Awww, Timmy. Better luck next time.

Anybody can learn to play the IES. But it takes practice to get really good. The most skilled players can even use the IES to get out of uncomfortable situations when the initial IES backfires. Let’s eavesdrop on Dylan and Brenda’s conversation:

Dylan: “Hey, Bren. I like hooters.”

Now Brenda has thought Dylan was nasty ever since she saw him picking his nose in the fourth grade. This doesn’t help any.

Brenda: “Ewww. Gross! You’re such a perve, Dylan. You suxor!”

What Brenda doesn’t know is that the booger picking guy she remembers from fourth grade is now a smooth cat with superior IES skills. He’s like an IES ninja.

Dylan: “Whoa, hold on there, Brenda. I was just expressing my love for owls. I’m been a fan of them for years, especially species from the Tytonidae family, such as the barn owl, or Tyto alba. Gosh, Brenda, you’ve got a dirty mind. You should get on medication or something.”

Brenda runs away crying in defeat, only later to realize that Dylan is super sexy. They go to prom together, get married after high school, and have twelve kids.

Now you, too, can show your love and support for the Innuendo Entertainment System. It comes in two flavors. Enjoy this funny, crazy, and geek sexy design.

Innuendo Entertainment System IES T-shirts and Gifts